Play is often associated with childhood, but it remains an important part of adult life and relationships. In this talk, I explore Jaak Panksepp’s emotional systems, particularly play and panic-grief, and consider what they can teach us about human connection and our deeper spiritual nature.
The importance of play
We all need spontaneity, humour, shared enjoyment and recreation. Playfulness gives us opportunities for creativity, curiosity and freedom of expression—in intimate relationships, friendships, workplaces and wider communities.
A little humour can change the atmosphere of a conversation. It can soften our defences, open us to another perspective and remind us that we do not always have to be right. We can also be playful with ourselves, allowing our inner dialogue to become a little less solemn.
Of course, humour is not always harmless. Jokes can be used to criticise, manipulate or avoid difficult feelings. There is a difference between laughing with someone and laughing at them. Healthy play involves mutual enjoyment and respect; it does not undermine another person’s dignity.
At its best, play creates belonging, intimacy, companionship and love. Relationships become more than responsibility or practical needs: we can simply enjoy one another’s company.
When connection is lost
The other side of play is panic-grief. When someone or something important leaves our life, we can experience the pain of separation and the loss of connection. This may follow the end of a relationship or friendship, the death of a loved one or pet, a change of career, retirement, a child leaving home or another significant life transition.
We may miss not only the person, but the shared humour, routines, conversations, companionship and future experiences we imagined together.
Loss can shape how we approach new relationships. We may hold on tightly, seeking reassurance, or withdraw because closeness feels risky. These can resemble anxious or avoidant patterns, but they are not fixed categories; our responses depend on the relationship, our history and how secure we feel.
When we are preoccupied with keeping a connection or protecting ourselves from loss, it can be harder to relax and enjoy the relationship as it is.
Discovering a deeper connection
Our need for connection is social and psychological, but it can also invite a deeper spiritual enquiry. We can begin to ask: am I only this name, identity, job, role or body? These aspects of our lives matter, but they change. People and circumstances come and go.
Spiritual traditions invite us to discover something within that is not dependent on changing circumstances. Ramana Maharshi points towards investigating the individual self and recognising the deeper Self. Paramahansa Yogananda speaks of the soul’s relationship with God and Divine Spirit. Anandamayi Ma reminds us of universal love and the sacredness of life beyond apparent divisions.
This does not mean that spiritual understanding removes our human need for companionship or prevents us from grieving. We remain human, with memories, emotions and attachments. Rather, we may discover an inner ground of being that is not wholly defined by whether another person is present or absent.
Living connection more freely
With deeper awareness, we can appreciate people without expecting them to complete us. We can love without possessing, enjoy companionship without making another person responsible for our happiness, and allow others to be themselves.
We do not have to abandon the world to discover the Self. We can bring that awareness into families, friendships, workplaces and communities, remaining open to new experiences after disappointment or loss.
Play reminds us to celebrate life, to be curious, spontaneous and joyful. Panic-grief reminds us how deeply we value connection. Both can teach us about love: how to enjoy one another, how to grieve when we part, and how to remain open-hearted without trying to control what happens.
Perhaps when we become less frightened of losing everything, we become more capable of enjoying what is here. We can play more freely, grieve more compassionately and recognise something sacred in ourselves and in one another.
Yogananda taught the mantra Hong-Sau, often understood as “I am That”, as a practice of turning awareness towards the deeper Self.
Hong-Sau. I am That. I am That. I am That.
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