What draws us towards other people, experiences and opportunities? What motivates us to explore, learn, create and participate in life? At the heart of many of our relationships is an instinct to seek. We look for companionship, love, recognition, security, pleasure, meaning and fulfilment. We may seek material comfort and achievement, but we may also long for belonging, purpose and a connection with something greater than ourselves.
The neuroscientist Jaak Panksepp identified seeking as one of the primary emotional systems shared by mammals. It is associated with curiosity, exploration, anticipation and motivation: the energy that draws us towards the world and encourages us to discover what may be possible. Without seeking, we would lose much of the drive that supports learning, development, creativity and relationship.
What are we really seeking?
Our seeking can take many forms. We might pursue money, a home, status, recognition or material security. We may seek affection, acceptance, validation, companionship or a sense of belonging. As we develop, we can begin to question not only what we want, but why we want it. Our attention may turn towards values, ethics, purpose and service. We may recognise that our lives are connected to communities, humanity and the natural world.
For some, these questions develop into a spiritual enquiry. Who are we? Where did we come from? What is the nature of consciousness? Is there a deeper intelligence or source from which life emerges? Seeking can therefore move from the pursuit of external objects towards an exploration of our own essential nature.
There is, however, a difference between healthy seeking and seeking that becomes all-consuming. Our desire for achievement or recognition can become so powerful that we lose sight of its original meaning. We may become dependent on approval, status or possessions, or pursue our goals in ways that disregard the needs and autonomy of others. Seeking can become striving, control or domination.
When seeking becomes frustrated
This brings us to another of Panksepp’s emotional systems: rage. When our goals are blocked, our expectations disappointed or something important to us obstructed, we may experience irritation, frustration or anger. Anger is not simply a character defect. It can be an emotional response that tells us something about our needs, boundaries, agency and sense of what is fair.
We may feel overlooked, powerless, threatened or unable to express something important. We may experience injustice or feel that our freedom and autonomy have been compromised. These experiences arise in intimate relationships, families, workplaces and communities, as well as in politics and international affairs.
Yet there is a danger when the wish to be heard or respected becomes so overwhelming that we no longer hear or respect others. Seeking can turn into force; anger can become aggression; the desire for recognition can become domination. At an individual or collective level, uncontrolled rage can cause profound harm.
Listening to the needs beneath anger
Understanding anger does not mean excusing harmful behaviour, suppressing difficult feelings or overlooking injustice. Sometimes anger draws our attention to something that genuinely needs to change. It can help us recognise when a boundary has been crossed or when a person or group has been denied a voice.
The important question is how we respond. What is being sought? What feels lost, threatened or denied? What is the person trying to protect, achieve or communicate? When we can identify and articulate the needs beneath an emotional reaction, we create the possibility of meaningful action rather than simply repeating the reaction itself.
There is a difference between recognising injustice and becoming consumed by the anger that arises in response. We can assert boundaries, express our needs and work for change without allowing aggression to take over. This requires awareness, patience and a willingness to reflect on our own part in what is happening.
The deeper nature of seeking
Paramahansa Yogananda encouraged discernment between transient desires and the deeper longing of the soul. In his teachings, intuition becomes more available when the mind is calm. Ramana Maharshi invited us to investigate the source of the one who seeks, while Anandamayi Ma continually turned attention towards God, truth and the peace inherent in spiritual realisation.
These teachings invite us to pause when our seeking becomes frustrated. Rather than immediately acting from anger, we can become aware of what is happening within us. We can recognise our needs, consider our responsibilities and respond with greater clarity. We will not always manage this perfectly; we are human, and emotions can sometimes get the better of us. But self-understanding can gradually increase our capacity to respond rather than react.
We do not need to abandon the external world. Relationships, companionship, creativity, work, community and contribution all matter. We can seek love without expecting another person to provide our entire sense of worth. We can seek recognition without becoming dependent upon it. We can seek justice without losing our discernment, and belong to a community without surrendering our individuality.
I am reminded of something my earlier career teacher, Paramahamsa Prajnanananda, said: “Be actively calm and calmly active.” These words express a valuable balance. We can be fully engaged with life while remaining connected to an inner place of calm and awareness.
Perhaps the real art of seeking is to participate fully in life without losing ourselves in the process. Seeking need not become striving, and anger need not become aggression. The love, truth and peace we seek in the world can also be cultivated within us, and expressed through the way we live.
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