Why Do We Sometimes Feel Like Different People?
Have you ever found yourself thinking: “Part of me wants to leave my job, but another part is terrified?” Or perhaps: “Part of me knows this relationship is unhealthy, but another part keeps going back?” Maybe you’ve experienced an inner conflict where one part of you wants to move forward, whilst another seems determined to hold you back.
Most of us have had these experiences. We may feel confused by them, wondering why we seem to work against ourselves. Internal Family Systems (IFS), developed by Dr Richard Schwartz, offers a fascinating way of understanding these inner conflicts. Rather than viewing them as signs that something is wrong with us, IFS suggests that these different voices represent distinct parts of our personality, each trying in its own way to help us survive and navigate life.
We Are More Than One Thing
Traditional psychology often speaks about “the self” as though it is a single, unified entity. IFS takes a slightly different approach.
According to IFS, we are made up of many parts. These parts are not pathological. They are natural aspects of human experience.
We may recognise:
- A critical part that pushes us to do better.
- An anxious part that worries about the future.
- A people-pleasing part that wants everyone to be happy.
- An angry part that sets boundaries.
- A playful part that enjoys creativity.
- A spiritual part that seeks meaning and connection.
These parts are not enemies. They are members of an internal family system that has developed over the course of our lives.
How Parts Are Created
Many parts develop in response to life experiences.
A child who grows up in an unpredictable environment may develop a vigilant part that constantly scans for danger. A child who receives praise only when achieving may develop a perfectionist part that pushes relentlessly for success. A child who experiences rejection may develop a protective part that avoids intimacy and vulnerability.
Over time these strategies become embedded in our personality. What once helped us survive can later become restrictive.
The perfectionist continues to push long after the danger has passed. The anxious protector continues to worry even when there is little threat. The avoidant part continues to keep people at a distance even when connection is desired.
The problem is not the part itself. The problem is that it may still be operating from an outdated understanding of reality.
Exiles, Managers and Firefighters
IFS groups parts into three broad categories.
Exiles
Exiles are wounded parts carrying emotional pain. They often hold: shame, grief, fear, loneliness, rejection, abandonment. Because these feelings can be overwhelming, the system attempts to keep them hidden.
Managers
Managers work hard to prevent those painful feelings from being triggered. They may appear as: perfectionism, people pleasing, overthinking, controlling behaviour, achievement striving. Managers try to keep life organised and predictable.
Firefighters
When painful emotions break through despite the efforts of managers, firefighters rush in to extinguish the distress. Examples include: emotional eating, excessive alcohol use, compulsive behaviours, rage, dissociation, avoidance. Firefighters are not trying to sabotage us. They are trying to stop us from feeling unbearable pain.
The Self: The Wise Centre
One of the most important contributions of IFS is its concept of Self.
The Self is not a part. It is the deeper centre of awareness that exists beneath our various reactions, fears and defences.
When we are operating from Self, we tend to experience qualities such as: Calmness, Curiosity, Compassion, Courage, Clarity, Confidence, Creativity, Connectedness. These are often referred to as the “Eight Cs” of Self-leadership.
The goal of therapy is not to eliminate parts. It is to help the Self develop a healthier relationship with them.
Curiosity Rather Than Conflict
Many people approach difficult emotions as problems to be solved. They try to suppress anxiety, eliminate anger or get rid of self-criticism.
IFS encourages a different response. Instead of asking: “How do I stop feeling this?” we ask: “What is this part trying to tell me?”
This shift from judgement to curiosity can be transformative. When parts feel understood rather than attacked, they often begin to relax.
The anxious part may reveal fears that have never been heard. The angry part may reveal violated boundaries. The critical part may reveal a desperate attempt to keep us safe from failure or rejection.
IFS and Spirituality
One reason I find IFS particularly interesting is that it bridges psychology and spirituality in a way that feels both practical and grounded.
Many spiritual traditions speak about a deeper essence beneath the personality. Jung referred to the Self. Assagioli spoke of the Higher Self. Other traditions refer to soul, spirit, Buddha nature or divine consciousness.
IFS does not require any particular spiritual belief, yet its understanding of Self resonates with many contemplative and spiritual traditions.
The model invites us to recognise that we are more than our fears, wounds and protective strategies. There is a deeper centre within us capable of compassion, wisdom and healing.
IFS and Tarot
As a therapist and tarot practitioner, I often notice parallels between IFS and symbolic work with the tarot.
Many tarot cards can be viewed as representing aspects or parts of the psyche. For example:
- The Emperor may reflect a managerial part seeking order and control.
- The Devil may reveal attachment, compulsion or protective strategies.
- The Hermit may represent introspection and wisdom.
- The Fool may embody curiosity, openness and possibility.
Tarot can provide a symbolic language through which parts become visible and can enter into dialogue. Rather than asking, “What will happen?”, we begin asking: “Which part of me is showing up here?” and “What is it trying to communicate?”
Curious about therapeutic tarot as a reflective tool? You can read more about my tarot work here.
Final Reflections
IFS offers a compassionate way of understanding ourselves. Instead of seeing inner conflict as evidence that we are broken, it suggests that every part has a positive intention, even when its methods create difficulties.
Healing does not come through rejecting parts of ourselves. It comes through meeting them with curiosity, understanding and compassion.
Perhaps the next time you notice an inner conflict, you might pause and ask: “Which part of me is speaking right now?”
You may discover that beneath the noise of competing voices there is a deeper presence waiting patiently to listen. And from that place, genuine healing and transformation can begin.
Interested in exploring Internal Family Systems in your own therapy? Find out more about working with me online, or explore the deeper psychospiritual dimension of this work at More Soul Therapy.
