When you come to your personal free consultation for therapy we always talk about your goals and what you would like to get out of counselling. Sometimes clients are very stuck with what they want because they often come to therapy because they are feeling overwhelmed, emotionally exhausted, stuck in terms of their life direction and purpose and sometimes quite physically drained and ailing.
I always talk to clients about those all-important needs in their life that are not being met – this is a good place to start. I have a handout I give to clients that outline the most important needs in our lives.
Epstein (1990, 1993) presented four basic needs:
- Need for Orientation/Purpose/Meaning, Control/Autonomy, Consistency
- Need for Joy
- Need for Positive Attachment in Relationships
- Need for Self-Esteem Enhancement and Protection
Panksepp & Biven (2012) present the seven basic emotional systems/instincts:
- Seeking – need to seek happiness and fulfilment in life
- Caring – the need to care for others, self and be cared for
- Play – the need to have fun, socialise, learn positive relationships through worklife and games, sports, team activities
- Lust – need for pleasure
- Fear – the instinctual emotion of fear that protects
- Panic-Grief – the instinctual emotion to avoid being alone and being social
- Rage – the instinct when needs and goals and desires are not being met
Alfred Adler puts forward his three social goals:
- Need for social responsibility between self and others
- Need for a profession, occupation and contribution to society
- Need for love and partnership in a relationship
Maslow provides his hierarchy of needs:
When we are not getting those needs met from our environment, the people around us and also ourselves we can manifest all sorts of symptoms:
- Addictive behaviours
- Anger, resentment, bitterness, arguing, criticising self and/or others
- Depression, low mood, irritability, impatience, annoyance
- Impulsive and risky behaviours
- Withdrawal, isolation
- Clinginess and controlling behaviours
- People pleasing behaviours
- Loss of meaning and purpose in life
- Rejection of self and others
- Suicidality and self-harming behaviours
- Intrusive thoughts, paranoia, obsessive behaviours
- Sleep problems, anxiety dreams, nightmares
Behind all these manifestations of feelings and behaviours are a host of needs not being met. Every thought, feeling and behaviour has a story behind it, a message or insightful message. In therapy you learn to read the messages behind your defence mechanisms, self-defeating behaviours and habits. Behind the shadow is the light and the shadow eventually gives way to the light of self-actualisation – the realisation of one’s true Self and purpose in life.
