I often talk about the twin-flame relationship with clients because it offers an important framework to talk about relationship dynamics with our partners. The twin-flame is not a ‘woo-woo’ concept as often understood but is a mirror relationship that reflects the individual’s relationship with their self, in terms of masculine and feminine aspects. There are important advantages in talking about your relationship with your partner in these terms because it increases psychological maturity, mutual consent and spiritual autonomy. It helps couples work through relational challenges.
The twin-flame has often in the past been associated with the concept of the split self – in that a couple are two halves of a whole or a whole that has become split into two and is seeking reunion. This is not a healthy understanding of the twin-flame. In other traditions it has been framed not as fusion with another human being, but with God or the Divine, and that a couple represents that deeper spiritual bond. This too is not a healthy understanding like the concept before because it can lead to romantic idealisation, projection, imagined connection, control and submission dynamics, reinforce trauma bonding, bypass real boundaries, contain unhealthy dependency and avoid mutual responsibility.
Therefore, the twin-flame is simply a representation of two people in whom one sees themselves and their understanding of their personal characteristics, internalised and projected. The relationship provides an opportunity learn about oneself primarily from one’s projections onto the partner and then secondly to withdraw those projections so one can really get to know your partner, who they are and what they need to become a better and truer version of themselves.
When we realise that the negative aspects both partners see in each other are only projections of one another’s attachment relationship trauma from the past, often going back to parents and sibling dynamics, and past relationships, sometimes abusive and traumatic, we realise that we have to not only understand our past better but be able to tell our partner about it more clearly and deeply and vice versa. This is why a twin-flame relationship must be based on mutual exploration of each other’s past experiences in all relationships and personal journeys from childhood to the present. Relationships that are going through difficult times require a couple who are mutually invested and motivated to really get to know their partner and who they are.
Often relationships are not based on a deep understanding of each other’s past histories, parent issues and sibling patterns. Often couples will keep secrets and those past histories that are buried into the shadows will only end up being projected somehow through the daily rituals of living with one another. Arguments over carrying out the garbage, washing up, cooking, doing the laundry, picking up your dirty clothes from the floor, doing that repair work that has been neglected for so long, not paying the bills, not sharing the childcare are all good examples of where these past issues can be projected onto the other. Mother and Father complexes, unresolved attachment trauma, coercive control, domestic violence, sibling rivalry, control and submission dynamics are all past issues that can be projected on one another through the daily rituals of home life. Nothing is trivial. Behind every resentment and criticism is the past still waiting to be resolved and integrated through talking and mutual therapy-ising.
When relationships enter a phase of reciprocity, respect and balance joy and peace comes. You begin to see the real person behind your old projections onto them. You help each other find more happiness and fulfilment. You help each other follow your goals and dreams without resentment, envy or bad feeling. You help one another build resilience. Out of this comes peace and love; love that binds but doesn’t control; love that is unconditional, not conditional; love that heals, not suppresses.
The twin-flame relationship is not just between two human beings but can also be with God, Divine Mother, Jesus, Krishna, Buddha or Guru. It is spiritual as well.
The twin-flame relationship can be with a best friend, relative or teacher. They are not just limited to the intimate relationship, partnership or marriage. Ultimately the twin-flame relationship can include all living beings, including the animal kingdom, Mother Nature, the mountain or ocean. Ultimately all living beings are in twin-flame relationships. The entire universe is in a twin-flame relationship with us all because love ultimately binds all in mutual care and protection where the masculine and feminine are honoured and embraced.
If you would like to talk about the twin-flame relationship in your counselling and coaching journey reach out for a free consultation at martinhandy@protonmail.com.
