Long-term, or twin-flame, relationships can break down not because of a lack of love, but because of past primary-carer attachment trauma in early childhood. Relationships can get locked into repeated patterns of conflict, withdrawal, rescue or victimhood despite the best intentions. But relationships can evolve to even deeper harmony and connection through collaborative healing of past wounds that are the source of projections onto each other.
Carl Jung, the depth psychologist, called them Mother and Father Complexes which are unresolved internal patterns formed in early relationships with the primary caregiver(s). These two complexes form how we relate to everyone: closeness, warmth, love, autonomy, safety and security or in some cases the opposite: conflict, criticism, judgment, control, submission, loss of power and autonomy.
In your relationship with your partner, or twin-flame, which is a deeply meaningful and spiritual relationship, deep ruptures can still occur. On the surface it may feel as if the relationship difficulties are related to the relationship itself, but it may not; it may be because of deeper past trauma that been projected on the other person. Things can be resolved by asking the right questions, and moving towards deeper and greater purpose for both partners to reach new depths of love and understanding and creative collaboration in self and couple-development.
In relationship ruptures it is possible for one or both mother and father complexes to be triggered unconsciously but thoughts and feelings can be misdirected or projected onto the partner. It may appear in both men and women as:
- Fear of abandonment
- Emotional dependency or over-giving or clinginess
- Seeking emotional regulation
- Difficulty asserting needs or boundaries
- Fear of authority or conflict
- Withdrawal or retreat from contact
- Over-reliance on the other for direction or validation
- Oscillating between rebellion and compliance, blowing hot and cold
There are a few reasons why these adult behaviours are formed in childhood because the parent was:
- Not available emotionally to the child
- Ultra-critical and judgemental of the child
- Regularly displaying controlling, aggressive and punishing behaviours
- using the child to regulate their own emotions and meet their own needs
- Using silence and isolation to punish the child
- Unpredictable in their behaviours towards the child
This list is not exhaustive and there may be things that have happened to your partner that you may not know about but are being projected onto you. There may be things that have happened to you that you have not shared with your partner or maybe no one at all. This is where the twin-flame relationship needs to move to a new level of disclosure and healing. Can you allow your partner to enter your early childhood experiences and help heal your wounds? Can you allow self to enter a dialogue with your partner to help their wounds?
Relationships are not just conscious processes of connection and unconditional, twin-flame love. Relationships are also containers of unconscious projections from the past into the twin-flame relationship. I like to see relationships as therapeutic containers for the healing of the past and entering new relationship dynamics that symbolise twin-flame spiritual depth.
This important and moving work can help you:
- Recognise projections as inner material
- Find healthy ways to regulate emotions and defence mechanisms and find your internal authority
- Improve boundaries and individual needs
- Learn to meet one another as two adults, not as wounded children
The question about doing this deeper talking work with each other rests on both partners to embrace each other on an emotional, psychological and spiritual process of deeper growth, healing, moving closer and becoming kinder and more caring. It is a journey that is both fulfilling but also painful but that is what spirituality is.
If you would like to talk about twin-flame work in this area of past childhood wounds reach out for a free consultation: martinhandy@protonmail.com.
