Online & In-Person Counselling, Therapy & Supervision

This article brings together two main models of therapy. One is the work of Erik Erikson  who developed a model of 8 life stages based on psychosocial development. He was a student of Freud but developed his own model based more on social dynamics. Erikson’s book The Life Cycle Completed is the source of much of the work I present below and presents the stages in more general terms and definitions than Haley.

The other work I have drawn on is the family therapy work of Jay Haley from his book Uncommon Therapy. Haley was a student of Milton Erickson, the psychiatrist, family therapist and hypnotherapist. He also addresses the issues of the stages of family life that complement Erik Erikson’s work well. The only difference with Haley’s work is that he uses case studies that elaborate on key themes and issues in relational therapy work exploring the dynamics of family life and how it can be resolved through direct therapy approaches.

Part One explores the work of Erik Erikson and Part Two explores the work of Jay Haley.

 

Part One – Erik Erikson

Source: https://skinnurse.wordpress.com/tag/erik-eriksons-8-stage-psychosocial-theory/

Erikson explored that each stage of our life was guided by a conflict of opposites. Jacobs (2006) explains how this model runs ‘through the different chronological ages of an individual’s life.’ These are further explored below:

Stage and Main Event	Conflict	Virtue	Positive Resolution
Infant 12-18mnth – Feeding	Trust v Mistrust	Drive/Hope	Developed trust in relationships and established trust in oneself
Toddler – 18mnth-3yrs Toilet Training	Autonomy v Shame/ Doubt	Self-control/Willpower	Ability to control one’s self. Failure to control leads to shame/doubt
Pre-schooler – 3-6yrs Independence	Initiative v Guilt	Direction/Purpose	Developed control and power in one’s environment. Too much power can lead to disapproval and then guilt
School – 6-12yrs School	Industry v Inferiority	Method/Competence	Coping with social and academic demands. Success leads to competence and failure with inferiority/incompetence
Adolescence – 12-18yrs Peer relationship	Identity v Identity confusion	Devotion/Fidelity	Teens need to feel a strong sense of self identity. Success leads to a true self and failure to confusion and weak sense of self
Young Adult – 19-30yrs Love relationships	Intimacy v Isolation	Affiliation/Love	Need to form loving and long-term relationships and failure to loneliness and isolation
Middle Adult – 30-65yrs Parenting	Generativity v Stagnation	Production/Care	Need to create things that will outlast them, either with children or others. Success leads to accomplishment and failure to stagnation
Maturity – 65-85yrs Reflection and Acceptance	Ego Integrity v Acceptance	Renunciation/Wisdom	Feeling a sense of fulfilment looking back at life – success leads to feelings of wisdom and failure to bitterness, regret and despair

In exploring life conflicts you can connect with a great many themes in your life. It helps you develop a more constructive and fulfilling life. You don’t have to stay stuck in the guilt, inferiority, identity confusion or isolation, for example. Even though the past doesn’t change, a new awareness and exploration of it allows you to move out of it into a better way of being, thinking, doing and seeing. Each stage is summarised below and offers questions for your own exploration and possible themes that might reveal something deeper about yourself.

A few pointers when working through this material:

• The stages are flexible and may overlap by a few years. Sometimes you may notice that you were dealing with an intimate relationship with your significant other in your adolescence and not just in your young adult period.
• Take into consideration any traumatic experiences you may have had even if the period you are looking at may only focus on relationships. If you had a traumatic experience at the age of 24, for example, it will no doubt have a big impact on your intimate relationship with someone at the time when you are analysing this period in your life. Alternatively, your first significant relationship may not have happened until you were in our 30s, 40s or even 60s. If that is the case analyse your first significant relationship in this stage of development. The age of experience is not significant, the stage itself is more symbolic.

1^st – Infant 12-18 months (Feeding)

Conflict: Trust v Mistrust

Drive and Hope Developed or Under-developed

What were the earliest patterns of trust/mistrust established in your relationships with your parents? You may need to talk about this with a member of your family. Issues of trust might be established through no ill intention of the parents: there may have been difficulties with the birth itself, separation issues due to physical or mental illness after the birth, problems breast feeding and general connection with one or both parents. One or both parents may have been very anxious during the pregnancy and the birth may have been very painful and challenging. These are issues that may indicate the level of trust between you and your parents. Alternatively parents may have been neglectful and absent. Often parents find themselves in situations where they have to work soon after the birth and place the infant in childcare and so long periods of absence from the child can create strains on the new relationship.

This can leave impressions in the unconscious of the child – that no one can be trusted and can therefore be carried forward into other relationships. However, issues of trust/mistrust may have their original cause in later experiences and stages of development. Even if there are issues of trust/mistrust in your personality it may not necessarily mean it is coming from this period of your life. In saying that raising children is very challenging and creates all sorts of difficult emotions in the parents when the children are born. If the parents are very young when they raise children then they may not have the mental and emotional maturity, experience and life skills to deal with raising children compared to parents who are more experienced and reflective in their child-rearing practice and philosophy.

2^nd Stage – Toddler – 18 months to 3 years (Toilet Training)

Conflict: Autonomy v Shame and Doubt

Self-Control and Will Power Developed or Under-developed

At this stage toddlers get to exercise more will power. Their first taste of power is choosing to help you help them start going to the toilet independently. They will basic comply or rebel.  You might remember the terrible 2s of your own child or children and those of friends and other relatives. If they don’t comply they will either go into complete melt-down or if the parent isn’t switched on they will keep them in nappies and avoid a challenging transition. Alternatively, parents can have problems themselves with strong-willed toddlers who won’t comply. Basically parents are at a loss and don’t seek help, support or advice. Then there is a host of shame and doubt inflicted into the consciousness of the child. The child may develop feelings of not being loved, being disapproved of, being scolded or maybe worse.

Coupled with this is the very challenging experience of helping a child process the ability to say ‘no’. This exercise of power can lead to all sorts of altercations and very difficult situations for parents in public as well as in the home. These situation scan leave very deep psychological impressions on the child as well as the parents.

You may not be able to recall this time of your life and you may need the help of your own family members. But stage can often reveal patterns in your own current will-power, your sense of shame about yourself and maybe how well you carry things off independently. There may be patterns between this time of life and your present relationships with your parents. And also how you relate to your own children if you have them. There can also be connections with authority figures and maybe your partners – past and present.

This period of life is probably one of the most challenging for parents, especially parents who have had little experience or knowledge from supportive advice and other family members in how to deal with addressing the strong will-power of young children. Challenging behaviour in children can create long-lasting impressions between them and their parents. It can leave feelings of guilt and shame in the psyche of the child and/or the parents. It can leave memories of a traumatic time, especially if the parents used physical aggression to control the child. It can also lead to experiences where the parents have left the child in isolation and this can create another level of guilt and shame in the unconscious of both child and parent.

3^rd Stage – Pre-Schooler 3-6 years (Independence)

Conflict: Initiative v Guilt

Direction and Purpose Developed or Under-developed

How did the transition to kindergarten/nursery go? Were there any difficulties or was it an easy and enthusiastic transition? How were relationships with other children? What was it like meeting adult and child strangers and developing friendships? What was play like? How did you communicate? What was the period of asserting individual autonomy like? Was it challenging for the parents? How did parents manage it? How do you manage difficult thoughts and feelings you are having now about the past? How do you soothe or regulate any negative thoughts and feelings about the past? Remember you are now older and look back with more experienced and knowledgeable eyes. You can see a bigger picture now than when you were at the time.

You might make interesting connections from your past with how you deal with meeting new groups of people now. Making the first move is often tested out at this age and can establish patterns that are present in your life now. You might find initial meetings with people tricky and uncomfortable and that they might cause some feelings of inferiority and ‘why didn’t I deal with that better?’ Again you might not remember this time of your life and you may need to connect with family members to help you out.

Then comes the initiation of joining school at the age of 5. It might have been easier, harder or the same as going to nursery/kindergarten. You might have some memories from this transition but if you reflect on it you can often identify some of those patterns of meeting new people and groups as you do in your present. Consider some of the fears and some of the good times at this time. Some experiences might have had a negative impact on you or they might have had a positive impact. Again you may see a connection between the past and how you manage new meetings with people now. Alternatively, there may have been difficult transitions to schools in the past but now you have dealt with them and have overcome difficult feelings and behaviours. It is worth noting these achievements and building your confidence and resilience to address difficult feelings of reactions with yourself and overcome problems.

4^th Stage Schooling 6-12 years (Learning Skills)

Conflict: Industry v Inferiority

Method and Competence Developed or Under-developed

At this time of schooling there is an emphasis on deeper learning. Reading, writing and maths are more emphasised. The focus is more academic and this can lead to positive feelings of ability and success, an average achievement or low achievement. These experiences will have an impact on self-esteem and resilience. How did you manage at this age? What memories do you of this period of your life? Which teachers or authority figures had a significant impact on your life? What interests did you develop? Consider how well you got on with other children? Did you have one or two close friends? Did you hang out in a group? Were you more introvert? Consider some personality traits that you developed or were not so developed. If you are having any difficult thoughts or feelings about this time of your life how do you soothe and regulate some of these challenging experiences now? How does the ‘adult’ in you now look back at the child you were in the past?

The educational environment is a very big influence on the individual at this time of life. Some children will thrive and love it. Others will be affected by it more negatively. Different generations of people will have different experiences as schooling has changed enormously since the National Curriculum was introduced along with academy chains, inspections and league tables. All these things have impacted the classroom environment and the pressures on teachers and children. Teachers are more stressed and under pressure and this will have an impact on the relationships with students. Having a teacher who is very calm and centred is going to be different from a teacher who is anxious, overloaded and nervous.Children often talk about their teachers primarily as an influence on their own well-being. Consider some of the teachers you were taught by in primary school and how they may have affected you. Sometimes specific memories come to mind and these are significant because beneath these memories are beliefs and perceptions about yourself, others and schooling in general that affect how productive and creative you are or how inferior you may consider yourself or others to be.

These insights into your initial schooling may give you insights into how they are still affecting you now. Alternatively, you may remember feeling inferior at school but later experiences and learnings encouraged you to overcome these feelings and develop more creativity and confidence and self-esteem.

5^th Adolescence 12-18 Years (Love Relationships)

Conflict: Identity v Identity Confusion

Devotion and Fidelity Developed or Under-developed

Moving to secondary school can trigger anxiety. It can also trigger really positive feelings of newness and excitement. What were your reactions to going to secondary school?Do they resonate with some of those experiences at primary school and/or nursery? Do they have any connections with your experiences in your present life? Consider the experiences of moving to a school where you were being taught by more teachers, being in a school with a lot more children. How did that affect you? What kinds of feelings and thoughts did you have about yourself, your peers, teachers and the school world? How do these impact you now? What kinds of feelings does it trigger when you think about it? How do you resolve and address some of these thoughts and feelings in order to soothe or regulate any difficult feelings?

As you progressed to secondary education there may have been closer relationships with peers, with other students within the school environment or outside. Sometimes there are connections with teachers, like an innocent crush or infatuation. These are interesting experiences that can generate some learning and growing up. Why did you feel attracted to these particular individuals; peers or adults? Is there a connection between these individuals and who you are attracted to or in a relationship with now? Do you like a particular type? Who do they remind you of now as you look back? This is a time of experimentation and your peer group and social media awareness is going to influence this part of your life. Consider some of your first experiences with love and intimacy. How were you identifying sexually? Did you accept it well enough or were there difficult issues with significant people in your life, either in your family or outside in the wider school or social environment? What kind of role models affected you in the media and news, music and film culture? How did technology impact your development? Were you influenced by the Internet, television, social media or information and health education at school?

Consider whether there were any issues of confusion around your individual identity and that of your social group and in your friendships and family relationships. Consider how these may have impacted your sense of self, self-esteem and resilience.

Notice how there are more external issues in your life at this stage – a larger peer group, study and curriculum pressures, hobbies and interests, sexuality, puberty, increased awareness of world events, trying to establish your own identity/independence and any conflict with parents this may trigger, conflicting feelings of trying to fit in, comply or rebel, relationships, conflict, judgement and criticism against social expectations, prejudice and discrimination, abuse and exploitation, pressure to perform and achieve, pressure to know what you want to do in your life, dealing with mental health issues like anxiety, depression, trauma, loss, grief, drugs, addiction, appearance and how you project yourself to peers, family and school.

This period of your life may be difficult but you are looking at this with more experience, understanding, learning, knowledge, wisdom and compassion. Where there may be difficult memories, how do you centre, soothe and regulate some of those difficult thoughts and feelings? Can you see some of those things that you dealt with really well, are more resilient to overcome and conquer? Can you see some issues that you would like to explore, talk about and process? Can you see some issues that you wish you had dealt with better but didn’t have the support or awareness at the time to have done anything different? How can you process any guilt and shame in a healthy positive way that leads to a feeling of achievement, learning and wisdom? How can you process any feelings of anger and aggression in a positive and healthy way? What would you like to have done differently? How can you go about soothing and regulating difficult memories and their associated thoughts and feelings?

6^th Stage Young Adult – 19-30 years (Love Relationships)

Conflict: Intimacy v Isolation

Affiliation and Love Developed or Under-developed

This period of your life may be marked by a very important intimate long-term relationship you had.It may have lasted a year or more but represented something significant in your growth as someone in relationship. Reflect on how much of an impact it had on your self-awareness, self-esteem and resilience. How was this relationship perceived by your peers and your family and friends? Sometimes a relationship with someone is still very much centred in yourself and not the other. Could you listen to them and learning to develop an awareness from someone else’s perspective? Could you empathise and have compassion for their concerns,worries and anxieties? Did they listen to and empathise with your own anxieties and worries, opinions and thoughts? Did you feel you had to comply and fit in with them? Or did you want them to fit in with you and agree with you all the time? Was there a feeling of caring and love as well as intimacy physically, or was it a more superficial relationship? Even at this age relationships can be very one-sided and it is worth considering how well you related to the other person, seeing things from their perspective, talking about goals and aspirations.

7^th Stage Middle Adult 31-65 years (Parenting)

Conflict: Generativity v Stagnation

Production and Care Developed or Under-developed

This period of life is not limited to child-raising. It may be a project, job, business, service work, or hobby/interest where there is an element of raising, inspiring and supporting a particular individual or group of individuals. It may be an environmental or animal project. The themes and issues analysed in this section may apply for one or more of them.

This parenting role can very much shape your personality and how you grow, develop, change and review your personality traits and overcome challenges. Raising children is not easy and in so doing will trigger memories of past experiences and traumas from your own childhood. Consider and reflect on one of these and how you worked through it.

Consider the previous stages we have analysed. For anyone who is raising children you will have to work through the very same stages you did:

• The initial news of becoming a mother or father – thoughts, feelings, reactions from other friends and family, impact on job, money and home.
• Pregnancy, child-birth and baby-caring.
• Moving through the toddler phase – Terrible 2s and toilet training.
• Transition to nursery and infant school.
• Transition to school learning – junior school.
• Transition to secondary school – relationships, developing self and breaking away from parental dependency.
• Making their way in the world of intimate relationships and the world of study and/or work.
• Creating their own family and/or business/career/contribution to the world.
• Mid-life stage of reflection and review, achievements and successes.
• Deepening awareness of place in world, connection to earth, people and life events,personal responsibility and contribution to self, loved ones, family, friends,community and world.

If children and family are not appropriate at this time of life for one of many possible reasons, you may be developing something of more sturdy foundation like a job role, serviceful interest, hobby or self-development. These projects generate a great deal of inner change and reflection and how you grow as a person in yourself and in your relationships with others.

8^th / 9^th Stage Maturity 65+ years (Reflection and Acceptance)

Conflict: Ego Integrity v Acceptance

Renunciation and Wisdom Developed or Under-developed

Erik originally developed 8 stages. The 8^th stage was about reflection and acceptance around the age of retirement. Usually the individual has not developed any issues with loss of memory or mental deterioration at this stage.It is a very significant time because people might be looking forward to their retirement and doing the things they have been planning to do for a long time or they are dreading the time when they have to leave work. It is an extremely important time where review and reflection come. If you have retired or are approaching that time consider your feelings around retirement. What kinds of things are you letting go of? What kinds of things are you having to grapple with and get used to? Retirement can bring challenges if your family live at home much of the time and you will be spending more time with them. What kinds of issues does this present? How do you feel about them?  What challenges will present and how do you plan on preparing for them and working through them? At this stage of life one is also going to reflect on those elements of development from all the previous stages and build a focus for the future. In some ways the reflection one goes through at the time of retirement is similar to the reflection undertaken at mid-life (usually in the 40s). Sometimes it is done more sub-consciously than consciously but this process is more conscious here as you read these words.The benefit of doing this reflection at the life stages is that it can establish the strong foundations of self-awareness and the often difficult and overwhelming processing of experiences and memories. Often it can bring about very significant revelations of strength and perseverance, recognising achievements and dealing with traumatic experiences.

If you have cared for or lived with an elderly relative you may experiencing despair I their being –child-like fear and weeping, holding onto your hand with such fear about their demise, abandonment, deep unhappiness, lack of purpose, regrets, memories of the past or extreme lack of memory which created another level of fear. Without adequate mental capacity it is difficult for an older person to reflect with integrity and wisdom and consider their failures and successes with equanimity and acceptance, especially when they are no longer physically or mentally able to reflect.

Joan Erikson (1998),the wife of Erik, reflected on all the conflicts throughout life in an additional stage (the 9^th) – the development, or lack of development, of:

• Trust
• Autonomy
• Initiative
• Industry
• Identity
• Intimacy
• Generativity
• Ego integrity

As the body does grow old and decays we have to ask ourselves the question:

Will I be able to live my life feeling whole, feeling positive and feeling like I have lived my life in a full and wholesome way knowing more about myself and my life on this planet as I lay in bed in full awareness that the body is dying and what future has in store for me when the body does die?

When I work with older people I listen to their stories and learnings from life and realise they often fall into one of two camps. One group has become very bitter, resentful and malevolent towards themselves and/or others. They have become aggressive, angry and bitter towards society and people generally. The other camp looks so different. The gentle warmth, joy, happiness, acceptance of traumatic experiences, an awareness that this life does not end at the death of the body and how the past is reflected on gently and with wisdom. There isn’t necessarily memories of being a perfect human being, actually far from it.There are regrets but there is also a deep humility towards the positive and negative experiences of life. They teach us, we learn from them, we grow, we make mistakes, we atone for them, within ourselves or through reconciliation with others. There is a bright sparkle in their eye, a soft and gentle glow of life and living. Even in terrible physical pain there is an understanding it is only temporary and a brighter, better and more fulfilling state and awareness of being awaits in the next room.

This is where we want to be throughout our life. In reflecting on death we can go back and reflect on our integration of:

• Trust
• Autonomy
• Initiative
• Industry
• Identity
• Intimacy
• Generativity
• Ego integrity

It comes full circle and through looking ahead we can look more clearly and our present and with more clarity and wisdom at the past.

Journalling

Reflect on these stages of life and which ones stand out for you the most, how they have affected you in the past and how they continue to affect you now. What areas of your life feel good and whole? What areas of your life need to be reflected on more deeply for clarity and understanding?

Consider what is working for you at the moment and what needs to be addressed. Consider what those areas will look like if you work on them now and maybe see what they might look like in a years’ time or 3 years’ time.  

What is the value of doing this regularly in your life? Is there a tendency to push something away or not wanting to look at something in yourself or your past? Think about that.Why is there resistance there? What might you be avoiding? If you are you may want to put it on the shelf for a while and come back to it but know anything that makes you feel uncomfortable may just be the issue that sets you free from emotional overwhelm and negative thinking in your life. Being brave and courageous with this kind of thing is so important and is usually harder to do than the most demanding of physical feats like climbing Mount Everest or skydiving. It is the inner struggles and confrontation of self within that brings the greatest struggle but also the greatest reward.

 

Part Two – Jay Haley

Haley (1986) also presents a number of periods of evolution from birth to death in his book Uncommon Therapy. Haley presents a more in-depth view of the stages of life in terms of dynamics and conflicts and how one moves from one stage to the next psychologically and socially. These periods include:

1. Socialisation and the Courtship Period: Disengaging from One’s Parents and Becoming a Parent
2. Childbirth and Having Young Children
3. Middle Marriage Difficulties
4. Weaning Parents from Children
5. Retirement and the Pain of Old Age

Haley explores the strategies of Milton Erickson in his approach to his clients. Remember that this book is called Uncommon Therapy and so presents strategies that may appear unconventional and even antagonistic to traditional theories and approaches but Milton Erikson and Jay Haley did have positive outcomes in using these strategies so do reflect on the principles beneath them that are actually embedded in psychological and neurological theory. Below is a list of some of his strategies:

• encourage the client to increase their resistance to change and therefore shift the therapeutic relationship into renewed cooperation.
• establish new behaviours in the client by encouraging them to consider worse alternatives.
• using metaphor
• encouraging relapse in order to build immunity to relapse
• frustrating the clients goals in order to motivate the clients to bed them down even more deeply.
• using other chairs in the room for family members to develop interaction and relatedness to develop reflection on other people’s perspectives. These chairs may also serve for other attachment and authority figures that require substantial reflection and exploration.
• emphasising the positive natural desire for growth.
• seeding ideas
• amplifying deviation by identifying a small change in behaviour/attitude and amplifying it for greater degrees of change.
• develop conscious insight into disorganised traumas that have not been processed or organised in the hippocampus.
• most of the time Milton Erickson would avoid the past, trauma, exploration, historical cause-affect issues as he believed it could prevent ‘real therapeutic change’ (p37). Instead he would focus on understanding one’s motives that will bring a recovery from distress. Freud believed if a client understood their irrational fears and distortions in the unconscious he might recover as repression is a cause of stuckness. Erickson believed that the interpersonal relations between the client and therapist including providing directives could help the client change their behaviour and communication.

According to Haley and Erickson there is a family life cycle that underpins the whole life cycle of a person. Psychological, behavioural, social, mental, emotional, physiological symptomology manifests when there is an interruption in this cycle. Therapy aims to assess the stages on either side of the symptomology in order to help the client transition into the new stage. and so identify healthy ways of being in the self, with others and one’s place and trajectory of growth and service in the world. These transitions are listed above from 1-5.

 

1. The Courtship Period: Disengaging from One’s Parents and Becoming a Parent

A young person is striving for achievement and appropriate status and socialisation. Therapy can help them increase:

• career position in society
• ability to be social and to behave appropriately in front of people of the opposite sex
• being communicative and be receptive to ideas

The therapist must therefore help the client identify:

• work history
• relationships
• how they’re important to being productive, their ethics, values
• exploration can focus on their physiology such as physical strength, endurance, stamina and resilience; on their psychology such as insight, assessing, analysing, ethics, morals, cognition; on their social/behavioural qualities like ethics, morals, assertiveness, communication, rapport and relationships
• hypnosis can help clients internalise/introject positive qualities like virtue, character, self-care, perseverance, diet, caring for self and others and other things they client wants to develop in themselves
• identify and encourage relationships with people so the client doesn’t become too attached to the therapist relationship. Suggestions of meeting people in social places, groups, clubs, hobbies/interests, swimming, walking, WI, political/environmental causes, running, study groups and courses, tennis, etc
• explore sexuality topics/concepts – to preserve and continue the species, how different cultures, traditions and countries approach sexuality, beliefs, practices, views are modified over time, experience and phase of life. Explore the biological and physiological importance, sexual rhythm, mating dances of birds (apply to clubs and dancing in human society and how that also allows couples to meet), cultural practices of sexual behaviour, sex in literature, film, porn culture

Haley said Erickson would help young clients by:

• explaining to them that there are many miserable young people in the world who are just afraid of doing the things they wish
• responding sensitively to the young client and speculate why they behave the way they do sometimes
• showing young clients that many young unhappy people have hope, but don’t really believe that someone will come along and help them
• rendering a limited number of his young clients the help they needed just in a very detached and impersonal way

 

Before we go into the intricacies of the courtship period it is necessary to explore some of those foundational aspects of young adults as they move out of adolescence. This stage is often fraught with overcoming one’s inadequacies, developing peer respect and place in that part of life, status in the social group, disengaging in a healthy way from one’s parents and establishing the adult within and contributing to a stable and secure society.

Some of the difficulties around this phase of life is about focusing too much on the inadequacies and not the strengths and abilities they point to the individual to develop. Social behaviour is important to develop here and explore experiences and situations where the individual may need to focus on and face honestly. Young people who present for therapy experience mental process failures – direction, control, goal-orienting, problem-solving, contributing to positive attachment relationships, avoidance, motivational conflicts internally. There may be mobility issues and not having access to transport to get to jobs or access to money to pay for transport – this is often applied to social life as well as work life. There may be fears of the opposite sex, family ties, responsibilities such as caring for a parent.

Haley points out two problems for young people:

1. Those who are beginning to drop out of normal life
2. Those who are already peripheral and clearly not adjusting to social life and may be considered delinquent

The purpose of therapy is to:

• find success in work and life
• not focusing too much on the past and why they have their problems
• to explore tasks, experiences and projects that lead to change and build on adequacies
• reducing problems to absurdities can help to place a different spin on the individuals problems. One example might be to explore the irrational reasoning behind fears of social connection with peers and applying for jobs and therefore seeing the humorous side of these fears.
• Hypnosis can help these issues enormously because it can by-pass conscious critical faculties internally and establish new perspectives, neural pathways and options for success providing choices for the client.
• focus on processes to correct mistakes and therefore focus on healthy approaches to love and work.
• to increase mobility and travel
• to address issues of masculinity and femininity
• by encouraging the client to enter places that invoke fear by using distraction, refocusing, redirecting
• changing perceptions about negative physical traits to having advantages and gifts.
• if client resists something then use the resistance to advantage and build on the resistance in order to adjust and modify it, i.e. I can see you have strong will-power there to resist change; just imagine what that determination can do if you apply it to something you really want to achieve.
• exploring young peoples worlds and adult worlds and allow the client to visualise walking in and out of them. This can help the client with their fears of places, transitions, relationships and domains. It helps them process transitions into the world of sex, money, job, status, rank, social contribution without losing a sense of their true self.
• bed wetting issues – by suggesting the client tries to wet the bed purposefully can help them attain control and resistance to urinate in the bed. In fact the process always has the opposite effect by creating a conflict within – there is a conflicting urge to urinate and withhold urination. The client has to perceive that conflict not just within their mind but also in the muscles of the bladder and urethra. Exercises like this are then relocated into the unconscious mind in order to develop unconscious control of the urination urge. Haley provides a good case study to illustrate this point.
• young people’s issues often revolve around deviancy/delinquent/rebellious behaviour, obesity, attractiveness, body image, the nature of their body, menstruation. The therapist explores with the client what the unconscious is trying to communicate in terms of their self-perceptions and perceptions of others, and the social fabric of what is valued and what it not. What is the underlying message behind the pre-occupation with this issue? What role does it have in self-identity, what is right and good, acceptable, ‘normal’? How did that goal of becoming fat come about? How did you become so body obsessed? Is it a clash of goals within – one to be fat/inadequate and one to be thin/adequate? Is the unconscious trying to communicate that your real essence is actually not physical but something more subtle and refined within? That your true being within is actually the treasure not the covering? That if you valued the true self of the personality of the self you might actually give it more value and treat the physical body more respectfully and carefully?
• biological process of sexuality is often naturally tested out with members of their own sex and eventually this testing will phase out and be replaced with a greater confidence in their performance and relating function with members of the opposite sex.

Haley says that Milton Erickson would explore many issues with young people in their transition to adulthood. He often found that young people presenting for therapy had withdrawn from outside involvements and would embark on a process of revising their complete nature of self. The reason for withdrawal may be:

• physical appearance
• comparing themselves to one another
• cultural misfit
• family problem
• sensitivities

Internally there are conflicting motivations between:

1. their desire for assistance to change
2. their resistance to change and unwillingness to follow instructions

Therapist interventions and process work may include:

• motivate the clients desire for change by setting tasks between the sessions and only making a follow up sessions after they have been achieved – delaying further sessions can motivate clients but this approach may not be suitable for all.
• even when clients present very negative perceptions of themselves and their judgements the therapist has to repeat that back and emphasise that those judgments and perceptions must be right. By contradicting their views therapists can undermine the relational depth because the client considers them incongruent. 
• define tolerable limits of what they need to do and not do
• encourage as much self-revelation as possible
• being mindful of the language the therapist uses helps the client understand what they can achieve – Milton Erickson would often establish goals with the client that would be deliberately ambiguous (in relation to linguistic rules) to reassure the client that they are ‘not to do more than they can and to get no more well than they can’. Ultimately the client would have to implement those goals, tasks and reflections based on their own perceptions, efforts and motivation.
• the therapeutic relationship is based on the policy that ‘neither one can give orders to the other’.
• The therapist provides helpful assistance but the client cannot ask to achieve ‘normal behaviour’ and the therapist cannot expect the client to do so either. A therapist cannot expect change but only accept the client as they are. If a change criteria is agreed upon it must be something that is an extension of what the client is already doing. It is only a state of becoming a happier and better worker and person.

Work is a major issue for everyone but more so for a young person who is starting out in it. 

Courtship is about finding a partner and relating to a new family (the potential in-laws). It is about expanding one’s relating capacity to a wider range of people and therefore growing as a part of a wider community. The courtship period is about disengaging from one’s own family (parents and siblings) as a child and re-engaging with them on a different level as a peer/adult and also relate to a partner and her family as a peer and an adult. This transformation of self is a rite of passage into accepted status, rank and capacity to love, relate, care, support and value as well as be loved, relatable to, cared for, supported and valued. Your peers (now part of two families) are involved in this process. If you are rebelling against the parents or in-laws you are still not being yourself because you are valued by ‘anti-values’, i.e. the values of others that you are trying not to emulate. When working with young people therapists need to careful they do not ruminate on the values of those their client is trying to rebel against, parent-child dynamics, negative attachment and control violations but develop the client’s own values referring to the goals of Epstein, the instincts/needs of Maslow, Panksepp & Bevin, for example. The focus is always on behavioural change as the ultimate change through therapy.

If a young person moving into adult is not looking for love and service, place in society and harmonious contribution then they can rebel and seek fringe lifestyles like gangs, illegal means of earning income, crime and violence.

Some young people can rush into marriage and relationships in order to escape their families or they may avoid marriage and committed relationships because they do not want to create an unhealthy situation that may exist in their own families. Family life is very much the focus of what has shaped a young person’s view of themselves, others and the world and the therapist and client need to be sure that there is a focus on what change and what kind of life, relationships, place in the world the client really wants to have and work towards. Many young people desire material gratification now and so become very disappointed when that does not happen when they want and what they want. Exploration requires a new understanding of delayed gratification and the process of life fulfilment, sacrifice, goals, trajectories, needs and projects. Identifying those goals and needs and the steps required  to get there are a part of the journey and brings with it immense satisfaction and reward. The therapist has to develop this language of positivity so that clients can understand the means and purpose of satisfying important human needs not just for themselves but for others and the wellbeing of the planet.

Commitment to a relationship either through marriage or civil partnership is a solid commitment. Relationships can be committed and meaningful without those institutions but couples often talk about the meaning of marriage/civil partnership and how it has helped cement the bonds of the relationship. Individuals an couples that divorce frequently are often not identifying the promise of vows with each other seriously in the first place and what relationship are. They are often overwhelmed with a flighty, illusive, forever seeker mentality, often depicted as the Eternal Youth, Puer Aeternus, Peter Pan, manchild or womanchild that is explored in another article.

Marriage and partnership is a crucial stage of development. It does not necessarily have to be with another physical person but for some the marriage is with God, Jesus, Krishna, Siva, Mother Mary, Divine Mother or other spiritual incarnation. Often many people go through relationships and realise there is something more meaningful and purposeful for them. Human relationships are fraught with status, money, sex, and security. Children are often seen as a means to being cared for in old age rather than children for the sake of bringing and raising good and happy people into the world. When the superficialities of human relationships are realised a search for deeper and more meaningful relationship may evolve. Sometimes individuals decide to look for monastic communities or a rule of life more befitting for them in the world but also beyond it.

In the early stages of relationships they can be emotionally intense, sexually charged, almost obsessive and consuming. At other times they can be seen as a way to get out of difficult or undesirable conditions. If this is the case when the final ‘moving in’ together happens a deep shift takes place; a psychological rebellion occurs. Aggression, arguments, fighting, projection onto one another and abuse can manifest. For some couples the conflict does not stay within the relationship but sometimes when the conflict is not resolved between the two or one or both partners avoid dealing with the real issue they may project it onto the in-laws and triangulate the families in order to find alliances between themselves in order to transfer resentments and imbalances onto other people close to them. If this does happen the couple will withdraw from their own families, either one or both of them. Or they may project it onto one member of their family, one of the mothers or fathers or both or there may be a withdrawal from everyone. This is often seen when clients talk about their daughter-in-law or son-in-law turning their own son or daughter against the family and taking them far away, sometimes to another country. This pattern is very common and lurking beneath this pattern is the imbalanced and sometimes abusive nature of one of the partners. In these types of relationship there can be manipulation, control, violence, threats, narcissism even psychopathy.

Sometimes the relationship between the two people can lead to a loss of self-identity for one or both of them. People relate to the couple no longer as two individual but one couple and this can be frustrating. There can be a desire to establish one’s own connection with friends and family as an individual as well as a couple. For some couples the coupling feels great and there is no loss of self-identity. Couples need to explore this and negotiate and trust each other to socialise wit friends and have outside interests to maintain a satisfying and balanced life. 

Imbalances may exist between the couple and their families. If the couple are being financially supported by the family then this may put pressure on to keep the peace. In-laws may use finances as leverage to assert control over decisions that should be the domain of the couple. In this situation the parents have not let go of the parenting relationship with the children. They do not see the adult partnership of the couple as being autonomous and self-directing. They may interfere and come across as judgmental and critical. This requires assertiveness, communication and clear marking out of boundaries and expectations. The letting go of the parent role is explored in more detail later.

 

2. Partnership, Childbirth and Having Young Children

Marriage is a deeply meaningful institution for many couples. Many now settle for civil partnership or a relationship outside of formal rites and all of these can be successful and meaningful, committed and long term.

Marriage and partnership also has negative consequences:

• sexual difficulties
• betrayal
• parenting problems
• mental/physical incapacitation
• parent disapproval of one or both couples
• financial dependency on in-laws
• resentment
• loss of control
• unequal balance of roles
• conflicts: arguing, disagreement, hyper-negativity/judgmentalism
• pregnancy can resolve issues as well as create new ones
• impotence/frigidity – use of imagination and hypnosis
• fun approach to body parts, sex and sexuality
• let go of the instinctual desires and step back from trying to control them consciously
• lack of awareness to enjoy life, partnership and each other
• power/control imbalance
• needs to explore individual goals/projects/social outside the partnership
• partners need to feel they can give each other pleasure
• symptoms like anger, conflict, depression, anxiety, frigidity and impotence can be a wake up call that something deeper is not being met like personal needs, relationship needs, equalities, productivity, creativity, communication

If the individual had a mother who didn’t allow their child to make decisions and dominated their day-to-day choices and tasks then the child can grow up and attract relationships in their life where they select someone (quite unconsciously) who makes the decision for them, someone who dominates the decision-making.

Extended family can withdraw from the couple and the couple can also withdraw from their families, as well as friends sometimes. This may be a temporary situation while the couple establish their dynamic or it may be permanent.

Partnership/marriage can trigger depression and/or be a pre-stage for illness and hospitalisation stemming from feelings of inferiority and inadequacy.

Childbirth transforms the relationship of the couple. If there are any resentments, issues and conflicts between the couple children can displace those for some time but eventually they will arise again later on. Childbirth brings with it an immense joy and high of feeling and satisfaction. It is a rite of passage for the couple. It marks success and adulthood. If the pregnancy occurs unexpectedly, before the couple have a home and secure financial base it can become a situation fraught with ill-feeling and foreboding which is not good for the unborn child or the couple and their family. Sometimes things do fit into place and a happy situation forms but in circumstances like this relationships between the parents, in-laws, siblings and wider family can be filled with simmering resentments and anger.

Where initial joyous feelings exist they may be replaced by more challenging ones later on. There may be financial concerns and there may be doubts creeping into one or both of the partners in terms of their suitability for one another. Pregnancy can lead to renewed conflicts between the partners and a great deal of honesty and communication needs to be put into play. Biological changes in the parents at this time, body changes, sexual desire, feelings of attractiveness, pre and post natal depression/tension, stress, anxiety, fear may be more activated and so requires interventions by understanding family. Sometimes the parents can slip into child-like/adolescent patterns of behaviour which are statements of vulnerability and the need for help my the parents. Parents of the couple may respond to that call and start to take over and make decisions causing a conflict again. The couple need to step up to the plate and take control if they are really going to establish their mark in their lives and raise children. 

The new child after birth can bring a family so very close together and be mutually supportive but sometimes the new child can create a triangle with the parents and one parent can feel abandoned or side lined. New dynamics require new communication, sacrifice and boundaries. New relationships begin to form and there is a transformation of the couples relationship. Jealousy requires a communication and often it is caused by quite natural feelings and desire to be close and feel loved and these feelings need to be acknowledged as normal and healthy. The birth of a child can lead to a loss of self. The mother can feel a strong loss of self because they may be caring for the child and responding to their needs constantly. It is important for a sharing role with the partner in order to give each partner rest and recuperation. It is important for each parent to have time to meet with friends and family without the child in order to address any issues or just have some ‘downtime’. Loss of career can be difficult to accept and requires reflection and support. 

Child-raising can be fraught with problems at this stage and it is recommended to view the work on attachment styles and how children are raised with secure and insecure attachment patterns. Not all parents are supportive and nurturing. Depression, anxiety, mental health problems, separation, divorce and trauma can all have a severe impact on the parents ability to offer secure attachment. Unpredictable parenting patterns can lead to ambivalent behaviour security issues for children. Neglectful parenting can lead to avoidant attachment and abusive parenting can lead to disorganised attachment. More information can be found in this article about Attachment Styles.

Sometimes when troubles arise after the birth of the child one of the couple’s mothers might step in and take over and this can cause issues. Often the grandmother sees her role as the mother and this can cause unhealthy dynamics with the mother. It is essential to communicate the importance of boundaries here and that the grandmother see her role not as a substitute for the mother but simply that of helper. Decision-making still needs to rest with both the parents of the child(ren). 

If the child is in therapy it is not necessary for the therapist to know about their feelings and thoughts about their parents but to help initiate change using ‘play’ and waking hypnosis. The therapist must accept the child’s position or experience and simply state ‘that must be awful for you’. The therapist can assure the child that their pain/emotional difficulties will not always be there and may lessen to provide choices and options for change. The therapist must avoid false statements. 

Haley reported that Milton Erickson would be often approached by parents to help their children for common habits like bed wetting or thumb sucking habits and compulsive behaviours, children can be helped by the therapist by looking at these habits and amplifying them to break the habit. Therapist can

• bring the children on side by acknowledging the reality of their thoughts and feelings and difficult situation to create relaxation, safety, alliance, congruence, trust empathy, UPR. You can get them to think of things they love and feel safe and happy with such as puppies or kittens. A goal can be set with them that allies yourself with them.
• If the child is having problems with the parents and there are clashes of power then it is important to ally yourself ‘against’ the parents in order to get the relationship established for therapy in order to build towards re-alliance of the child with the parents. This may take some work with the parents as well if they need to change their approach. The therapist can suggest goals and ideas for seeding in the child’s relational capacity towards a problem or relationship. By allying the therapist with the child the therapist can then initiate change in the mind of the child as the basis for behavioural change.
• The therapist can amplify and exaggerate the habit the child needs to address. In thumb sucking you can ask the child to do it even more. This can establish an opposite behavioural response in the brain to stop it altogether. When the children do it more the parents have to be primed not to react. This can last several weeks before the child eventually tires of the effort they have to make to pursue the habit. It brings the habit from unconscious into conscious control.
• In the case of bed-wetting you don’t need to address it consciously but simply talk to the child using waking hypnosis in a way that focuses on words like control, muscles, metaphors, tense and relax, controlling your muscles when you want, referring to sports, muscles, strength, power, muscles at the lower end of the body, letting things out when you want, retaining things inside when you want, saying things out loud when you want, keeping things in when you want, speaking at the right time, letting things out at the right time. All these statements and concepts can be pulled together in a talk with the child. These ideas and concepts will be internalised and then the bed-wetting will resolve itself.
• Sometimes Milton Erickson would work with older children/adolescents/adults with bed wetting issues by asking them to consciously wet themselves in the bed every night. Quite often they could not do it even when their bladder was full. This would set up a gradual change to control unconsciously at night.
• At other times some issues can be achieved by focusing on another one which would solve the presenting issue by stealth. For example, compulsive behaviours could be substituted by other ones. Milton Erickson would often get some children to solve compulsive behaviours by taking writing tasks like handwriting, spelling, math or chores and get them to do these tasks everyday for a set amount of time. He would choose things the children were often not very good at to deal with the other compulsive behaviours. Sometimes he would get the parent to do the compulsive behaviour of the child while the child would do a habitual role, task or job usually done by the parent. Often compulsive behaviours in children are related to parents habits. Subconsciously children can be acting out a compulsive behaviour to compensate for something the parent is or not doing.
• Sometimes Milton Erickson would focus on giving children boundaries and limits in their life because the parents didn’t give them any. It is the lack of limits and boundaries that actually trigger children anxiety and associated behaviours like bed-wetting, thumb-sucking, compulsive habits. By addressing the theme of limits and getting children to do things to a certain level and then stop and not doing any more or any less than the set task they could also boundary their anxiety, anger and behaviours and habits.
• With children one must think laterally and not in isolation from the parents lifestyles, habits and behaviours. Be creative, think about values, needs, security, safety and strength.

The child eventually goes to nursery and school and this transition can be smooth or difficult. Children can play one parent against the other. Parents may disagree on child-raising strategies. The wider family may also present with issues that cause disagreement, all of which require communication and negotiation and acceptance.

 

3. Middle Marriage Difficulties

When the children get older the couple move onto newer pastures. Their careers may be more stable and fulfilling. However, as the children get to home-leaving age (or not as is happening more now), old resentments and unresolved conflicts which were put off when the children were born rear their head again. Usually the parents are around the 40 year old mark. This is the point of mid-life review and sometimes referred to as crisis. Individuals naturally review the first half of their life. First half of life can be challenging because it reviews relationships, break-ups, relationship trauma (abuse, domestic violence), divorce, accidents, heath issues, miscarriages and abortion, domestic violence, career, workplace bullying, hierarchy, status and rank, addictions, affairs and betrayal, first experiences of loss and bereavement, regrets, guilt and shame, gender issues, sexuality issues, feelings of attraction and acceptance of getting older. Although many of these issues continue into the second half of life the individual draws a great deal of knowledge about their belief system and their goals in life. Goals may also include precisely what they do not want in life or what they want to avoid. Goals can be avoidant as well as approach goals. More can be learned about these in this article about Our Needs and Goals. At mid-life couples often resolve their differences and come to a sense of acceptance about what they expect from the relationship and what they don’t. Sometimes the relationship collapses once the children have left home because the relationship is not strong enough without the children anymore.

Difficulties in the marriage/partnership have become habitual and ingrained/entrenched. There can be power struggles between the parents. Often there is a more dominant partner but relationships can be flexible and share that power dynamic. Problems come about when the control dynamic cannot be changed, adapted, modified, shared and negotiated. Sometimes one partner wants the other one to be more dominating and that may be difficult for the partner to do when they want something more shared. If one partner is making demands on the other it can cause friction and conflict. When things are not communicated and brought to the surface consciously illness – mental, emotional and physical can manifest.

Controlling behaviours like manipulation, questioning, supervising, ordering, demanding can come to the surface and sometimes it can surprise one or both partners. Sometimes this controlling behaviour of one of the partners can then be internalised by the receiving partner and so they begin to monitor, control, manipulate, question and order, supervise themselves. Instead of challenging the behaviour they may internalise it. One of the partners become a strong self-critic feeling bad they are not doing things to proper standards, that they are not good enough and they always make mistakes. These behaviours may not be consciously observed by children but they internalise them unconsciously too and it thus affects their relationships with their future partners, peers and authority figures like teachers and managers, the police and community helpers. Couples need to bring these patterns to the surface through inner awareness, communication and assertiveness. Sometimes counselling is needed. 

In the situation of a controlling partner they need to understand that they can still have an influence and say in decisions but they need to leave the details to others and the implementation of them rather than seeking an pervasive control of everything. 

Spheres of control also help find the terminology and understanding for developing more sharing and respectful relationships. For some controllers they are too far gone and will not change. In therapy whether you are working with the individual or the couple you need to:

• avoid siding with the other
• provide alternative tasks and activities for a couple to do and work through
• change elements of their arguments (rephrasing to discussion) or suggest one of them to assert their view more robustly with clear rationalisation and reasoning
• ask the client what the relationship might be like if the alcoholism, controlling habits, patterns were not there or had more time
• express difficulties of past childhood, relationships, traumas, adolescence and how those issues might influence change work

Sometimes when clients are holding back and are conflicted within Milton Erickson would frustrate them even more to speak by speaking too much intentionally or when they did talk to interrupt them. He would sometimes tell the client to hold back the things that pained them and hold them in and not tell you about them and just share the things they can. He used a great deal of ‘reverse psychology’ for some clients and it would have beneficial results leading to the client realising his methodology once the ‘waters finally broke’. Clients do dam things up for good reason sometimes and it could be difficult for them to break the dam on their own and needed a little help with some clever approach on the part of the therapist.

When marriages and partnerships go through tough periods themes like inhibition, uncertainties, shame and anxiety, sex, nudity, dance would be useful to explore clients inner thoughts about relationships where they had become tight with self-disgust, punitive morality, judgment. Frigidity, fears would hold clients in a prison and helping the client gradually and not too soon is the key. They need an approach that is soft and slow otherwise flight responses might be triggered. Instead of talking about sex explicitly a therapist may talk about the bedroom routines, decor, ambience, clothing without talking about the act of sex explicitly. Conversations can dance around an issue without making the client embarrassed. The client will open the discussion up when they are ready. Milton Erickson could be very sensitive, intuitive and structured in his approach. In essence he would speak to the unconscious in code.

When the children need the parents less there can be a reaction in the parent that they cannot accept. The parent can start to control the child/adolescent/young person more. The parent cannot accept that the child may leave. They do not accept their growth and maturing. Guilt and control can be applied to the young person and create resentment and rebellion. If the parents have split or there are doubts about the terms of the marriage/partnership then one or both parents begin to transfer their needs from the partner to the maturing child. Sometimes these young people need encouragement to talk to their parents and explain what they are saying and doing is not doing their relationship any good and the right thing to do is to establish their own life, career, dreams and goals, relationships but it doesn’t mean leaving the parents life altogether but that the parent needs to look at their own life and self-actualise their own process goals and needs. This is explore further in the next section.

 

4. Weaning Parents from Children

Haley explains that Mesmer and Freud didn’t know how to work with clients with highly attached relatives. Some parents go into a crisis when the adolescent/adult children grow independence and are seeking to leave the nest. Some parents will consciously/subconsciously play on their children’s health in order to keep them dependent and weak and the children/adolescent/young adults behaviour is sometimes a manifestation of the parents fear of unfamiliar territory. Sometimes the child or young person will present for therapy and it is actually their behaviour that is the conduit for the parents lack of self-actualisation and growth. Parents need to detach themselves from their growing children. Young people in therapy can be stuck in their behaviours if the parents are not changing. Often family therapy is required not individual therapy for young people. 

If a young person presents for therapy then it is best to focus on the positive traits of the parent and build on this kind of alliance and be prepared for parent involvement and giving them instructions to manage and support the process at home. The things that block parents peer/equal relationship with the young person is over-concern, benevolence and over-protection. The most destructive parents are the over-indulgent and protective ones; they actually stop the children from developing independence. The therapist can help the young person and the parents work towards a peripheral relationship that requires initial dis-engagement and re-engagement on new terms, boundaries and ethics. This helps the young person find new direction in their life, new plans and new perceptions about themselves, people, society and the world.

Therapy with the young person can be seen as a rite of passage to help them to think critically, for their self, to meet their needs, goals and instincts. In order to enter adulthood they need to think critically about their parents and siblings and disengage from their parents on the adult-child level. This rite of passage can be negotiated with the therapist by exploring tasks, goals, rewards in terms of training, education, job, status, service in the community, environmentalism, political activism, creative project in music, art, sculpture, writing, sport, development of muscle strength and size, weight loss and health, image transition. Peer development with new social groups, connection to seeking wisdom and knowledge from elders and spiritual relationship. Haley points out that the parents are not losing a child but gaining a new member into the family (the partner) and maybe a grandchild. The young person is not losing their parents but remaining involved with them in a different relationship from the past. Therapy helps the whole family through a transition model, sometimes referred to as the Confirmation Model where validation and recognition flows through 5 orders:

1. Primary caregiver  – the mother – protector of the young, feeder, nurturer, validates the young by telling them they are loved and safe. She will confirm and validate the gifts and talents, helping them to develop positive emotional states and trust their feelings.
2. Secondary caregiver – the father – guide into the world and confirmer of the child to do well and preparation for contributing in the world. Validates the young by telling them they are strong and can contribute to the world and are loved and protected in this family unit. The father figure helps the young person find their gifts and talents and help nurture and grow them for the good of the whole world. He also validates them by helping them understand the world, people and the traditions and opportunities in the world.
3. Peer Group – confirms the person to say they are a member of their group, are accepted, respected and loved as a community member and that their skills and abilities are utilised and appreciated.
4. Life Partner – this person validates and confirms the person as a loving and lovable, respectable and able human being. They confirm that the person is not only someone they trust but also someone the believe can bring children into the world and help support and raise them. For some people the life partner is God or an incarnation of God like Jesus Christ, Buddha or Krishna. There may be an inner Shaman that seeks union with the self in order to grow in self-understanding as well as understanding of life, the world, people and service for the highest good of all.
5. The Self – the inner world of the person is the harbinger of deep and lasting confirmation. They can confirm themselves as a good, virtuous and respectable person. The self validates their worth as a human being. This aspect of self can also be interpreted as the inner God that confirms and loves unconditionally.

The therapist has to be careful not to take sides with the young person against the parents and vice versa. The therapist is only there to help the individual transition from one stage to the next from child to adolescent to adult. The therapist can also help the parents adjust from parenthood to grandparenthood and move towards developing their own goals and needs in life. Self-actualisation does not end when the children grow up and leave the nest. The journey of the mature adult is one full of potential, richness, guiding others and eldership, wisdom and service to others. The therapist acts as a bridge between the generations. 

After almost two decades or more of raising children into adulthood parents need to wean themselves off the role of parent and into their own self-identity again. During pregnancy one or both of the parents lose their sense of self sometimes and see their entire being connected with that of the child and the child’s needs. It can be consuming and in that process be difficult to gain the sense of self one had before one had children. The reality often hits the parents when they go to university, move into their own home and start their own family. This internal process can be painful, letting of the adult child, but also letting go of one’s parent role.

If the adult child is still living at home there can be an upsurge of emotion as the point of transition to moving out is in process. The relationship dynamics are changing and that process can be filled with doubt, trepidation, fear, anxiety. There is also a process of bereavement for both the parents and the adult child as the child literally dies for the adult to take their place. It is a rite of passage that is often overlooked and not validated. One of the issues that help this validation is the process of confirmation.

The adult child needs confirmation from both parents that they are an adult, that they can make their way in the world, by establishing their independence, enter a profession and make their mark in contributing to society in the way they gives them fulfilment, satisfaction and confirmation again from their peers and workplace sector. Their parents also need to confirm their adult child in their ability to raise their own children and have a deep, meaningful and committed relationship with someone. The adult child also needs to know they are loved, they have safe positive attachment relationships in the nest that they are about to leave. This gives them the emotional security and safety net they need to go out into the world. Again, this is a rite of passage that requires the full support and awareness of the parent(s). 

At this time, some adult/adolescent children find it difficult to leave the nest or the parents find it difficult to let go of the adult child. Some adolescents/young adults often present with mental health symptoms at this time and one area of exploration is their ability to find joy and meaning in the direction of their life and ability to have a productive and exciting goal with peer development, social development, creativity, relationships, travel, political awareness and social contribution to causes and movements. This part of their life is all about activity, relationship with people and experiences. Where this does not happen tension and mental health issues can develop. If parents present with a tumultuous partnership and have done for a number of years then this does have an impact on the adult child/adolescence to varying degrees. Some are very resilient and may not be affected; some will be deeply affected. If side-taking has occurred in the family dynamics then this will also have an impact on the psyche of the adult child. The best approach is to allow the young adult to realise that they don’t have to be affected long-term by this and they have the ability to protect their self from the toxic relationship in the parents. Therapy can help this enormously by developing a relationship with the therapist that is safe, positive, respectful, ethical and has healthy boundaries. The focus is on allowing the young person to have as independent and healthy a life as possible while being in regular contact with the parents. The parents at this stage need to be aware of this process but this is not possible in all situations. This is a family situation and can sometimes only be resolved through family therapy.

Generally problems can arise between the parents and their adult children because the parents have not accepted that the roles have changed and moved into new territory. Like the saying goes, ‘old habits die hard’. The process is about disengaging from the old patterns and establishing or re-engaging new ones.

When the adult children have their own children and the parents become grandparents there can be a tendency for the parents to re-enter parenthood and take over. Grandparents have to go through a process of learning that grandparents have a very unique role change from being parents and their sometimes needs to be discussion between new parents and their own parents in terms of roles and boundaries.

When adult children leave the nest old issues between the couple can resurface that may have been suppressed when the children were born. It is important for a new process of relationship to unfold. But also important for each one of those individuals to develop their sense of self and connect with the next episode of their life journey.

 

5. Retirement and the Pain of Old Age

In retirement a dynamic between the couple can evolve of co-dependency. Because one or both partners are no longer ‘working’ or ‘parenting’ one or both of them can find a purpose in looking after the other. This can spill over from the last stage where the parenting role is concluded with the adult child but evolves beyond its natural dynamic. One partner can take the role of nurse and the other patient. It often happens to cushion the transition from working/parenting into retirement. 

The purpose of old age is acceptance of the inevitable. Culture places great importance on youth and not old age. There is a conflict between wisdom and experience and uselessness. At this stage for the parents, family problems can become intolerable. Fear of the inevitable can lead to the formation of fears and phobias which can dominate some mature adults. Fears of elevators, heights etc require the help of a counsellor or therapist. The process of distraction and substitution in overcoming fears can help. When enduring flights in elevators or planes conversations, thoughts, inner images that create stronger emotional reactions to distract from fears can help minimise and eventually remove the fears and phobias. Feelings like disgust, shock and surprise can divert the fear.

Physical pain is a strong part of growing older. Practices like developing numbness in the body can help by using waking hypnosis and states of relaxed awareness by the therapist. Exercises of detachment and dissociation can have beneficial effects to help people with the process of cancer and pain issues. Other pain techniques include suggesting feelings of heaviness, dullness and weight in the body to counteract the feelings of pain. Allow the clients anticipation of pain to to be differentiated and stretched out until the pain no longer comes. Showing the client how they can lengthen the gaps of being pain-free can be very helpful. Haley provides some effective case studies for analysis. Show how clients can look back at past experiences of pain with no memory of the actual pain in the body helps them detach from the pain. Suggesting forgetfulness of the pain can also be effective. The interspersal technique is where the therapist talks through a ‘story’ with the client nothing to do with the subject of pain. For example. Milton Erickson told the story of how the tomato plant grows and how the story was interspersed with effective words and suggestions around growth, health, fruitfulness, ease, work, growing healthy leaves, contentment, oxygenation, productivity, nourishment, love, unconditionality, peace, comfort, relaxation, calm, joy and food. This had the effect of numbing the pain for the client. Eventually just the phrase ‘tomato plant’ helped the client find relief from their pain. Haley explained how this method is particularly beneficial for resistant clients.

Old age and death is not made known to us in our society. It is often hidden from us in rest homes and hospitals so we don’t have to be reminded of it. As human society develops and evolves there will be greater attention paid to it and how best to facilitate a good end of life that retains the dignity and respect of the human being. We have a long way to go in this regard. We need to look to indigenous and tribal cultures to see the wisdom of their views and traditions of old age and death and learn from them. Western views of old age and death lack wisdom and relational awareness, spirituality and truth. Hindu, Buddhist and indigenous world-views hold the way forward.

Old age and illness is not just about pain and family issues. It can also be a period of great upliftment and purpose in life. Wisdom gleaned from a life well-lived in variety of good and troubled times can be a great boon for the younger ones in the family and wider society. Serviceful activity gives a sense of giving back to society where so many see retirement as when society pays them back. For spiritual individuals the process of the final episode of life is all about connection to the self within, God within, spirit and return to the real world. Spiritual activities, group meetings, meditation individually and in groups is the source of real purpose in the final stages of life, hopefully something that has been a part of their daily life but more emphasis, more focus on meditation and prayer, reading scripture, being with other spiritual people helps soothe the difficulties of old age.

Old age is a celebration of life and will one day be more integrated with wider society and having a deeper relationship with earth and human evolution, emphasising purpose and meaning of human existence. The long and various experiences of someone will be greatly listened to in terms of knowledge about right relationship, ethics, morals and virtue will be more greatly respected in the older person and the older person will see their self as more influential and ethical in how they conduct themselves, spurning material pleasure for spiritual truth encouraging others with wisdom, kindness, positivity, emphasising the traps and vanities of life – money, sex, status and power, and focusing more on love, truth and wisdom.

 

The Confirmation Model

Richards & Richards (2021) present the Confirmation Model that is deeply connected to the attachment styles of Bowlby and Ainsworth and object relations theory of Melanie Klein. There are 5 levels of the confirmation model whereby the individual moves through life ever confirmed, validated and recognised for their self-worth, values, independence, virtue and ability. The first attachment figure to provide that confirmation is the primary care-giver, usually the mother. The role of this figure is to protect, feed, nourish, protect, care and most importantly of all love developing the feeling qualities of well-being, safety and security and most of all the safety of the home where they are safe, cared for and loved no matter what.

The role of the secondary care-giver, usually the father, is to show the individual the world and that they are able and intelligent enough, having the necessary skills to go out into the world and change it, focusing on guidance, wisdom, thinking, cognition, rules.

The next level of confirmation comes from the individuals peer group, usually their school friends. This group offers the individual a level of respect and acceptance into the group, that they are valued and listened to. The group provides nourishment in terms of values, expectations, what is acceptable and what is not. They validate, recognise and value the abilities, views, thoughts and feelings of the individual and a sense of belonging is created. By extension this can also include the family unit as a whole but not primarily. Relationships with siblings also creates a group identity. In both these settings the individual is developing a sense of rank and status in their group.

The fourth level of confirmation is from the individual’s life partner. In the first half of life there will be a number of relationships, maybe just one, of individuals that provide validation, recognition and value that they are a good and virtuous person. The individual is validated and lovable and being able to provide love to the partner. The relationship is often consecrated by the sex act and validates the individual as a physically able and satisfying person. Sexual attraction may also imply a recognition of the other as a reliable and resourceful partner for the benefit of bringing children into the world. Marriage is a rite of passage of self-worth and esteem and brings a stable foundation for the raising of children. For spiritual and religious individuals the marriage is made between the individual and the spiritual guru, Jesus Christ, Krishna, Buddha, a saint or sage to show the individual the way to God. Relationships do not necessarily need to be physically consecrated but the consecration of marriage and partnership may be a spiritual union with the focus on love, service and faithfulness, just like a traditional physical union with another human being.

The final level of confirmation is by the Self. This is the ultimate confirmation and trumps all others. It is the validation and recognition of the self by the Self. It is a completely individual process of self-knowledge, self-love and self-wisdom. It is a deeply spiritual connection with the self and one’s purpose. Regardless of poor validation by the previous members of this model there is complete validation by the self if one has processed and integrated the traumas and violations of previous attachment relationships and figures in one’s life.

There are potentials of abuses, manipulation, control violations and negative attachment figures that can cause serious harm in the process of confirmation. However, there is always hope in the confirmation model, that along the path of life one may meet significantly positive and unconditionally loving attachment and authority figures. A loving partner, a spiritual wise sage or saint, a friend, colleague or mystery meeting with someone can shift one’s traumas and allow one to see the light of love and virtue in this human existence and in one’s self and being.

 

Bibliography

Erikson, E. (1997) The Life Cycle Completed W. W. Norton & Company, USA.

Haley, J. (1986) Uncommon Therapy: The Psychiatric Techniques of Milton Erickson MD W. W. Norton & Company, USA.

Richards, S. & Richards, P. (2021) Discover Your Personal Myth: Ultimate Handbook. Available from https://www.jungtoliveby.com/personal-myth-guide.

 

©Martin Handy 2022